


Everyone Likes M&Ms

by SBG



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-31
Updated: 2013-12-31
Packaged: 2018-10-06 13:19:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10335548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SBG/pseuds/SBG
Summary: A conversation held over a bag of M&Ms





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Yuma, the archivist: this work was originally archived at [Stargatefan.com](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Stargatefan.com). To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [StargateFan Archive Collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/StargateFan_Archive_Collection).

Everyone Likes M&M's

Sam wandered listlessly down the corridors of the SGC, a grocery bag containing her prized goods safely tucked under her arm. She really needed to say good night to her friends before going home for a long soak in the tub and the pleasure of comfort food. A trip to the infirmary had proven fruitless, as Janet had apparently been able to sneak off early. Teal’c’s quarters had been mysteriously bare, and so had the second most likely location for the Jaffa – the gym. Puzzled, she had gone to the colonel’s office and to the cafeteria. Nothing. She was going to give it one last shot. If Daniel wasn’t in his office, she was going home. Alone.

As she approached, she heard voices emanating from the open door of Daniel’s lab. Voices. Good, that meant at least two of her friends were still on base. More and more often lately she’d found it hard to leave for the day without checking in with the rest of her team. If she missed one of them, she had to call whichever one and do the deed. Kind of like forgetting to floss before bed – she couldn’t sleep knowing there was unfinished business. Sam plastered a big fake smile on her face and strolled through the door

“Hey Carter,” the colonel greeted, barely glancing up from his position at the computer.

“Uh, hi guys.” She suddenly felt awkward, almost out of place.

“What’s up?”

Sam wordlessly looked around the room in confusion. The colonel still didn’t bother to fully acknowledge her arrival. She moved farther into the office, circling around the desk to see what had his attention. Solitaire? Her self-esteem went deeper into the cesspool it seemed to swim in lately. She shot a disbelieving look at the man standing behind her CO, who had his arms crossed tightly around his chest. She was met by a wryly exasperated head tilt.

“Nothing. I was just going home,” Sam said, narrowing her eyes at them. “Sir, what are you doing in Daniel’s office?”

“C’mon, Carter. We’re in here all the time.”

“Yeah, but usually Daniel’s here too.”

“Details.”

“Daniel Jackson has only taken temporary leave, Major Carter. He is p–”

“Oh, hey Sam! What’s going on?”

Speak of the devil. Sam shifted around to catch Daniel breezing in through the back entrance of his office, carrying a magazine. His face held a pinkish hue, the tips of his ears matching the shade exactly. She disregarded the embarrassed expression, just glad to have all three of them in the same spot. The archaeologist joined them at his desk, tossing the magazine on top of it and peering over the colonel’s shoulder.

“Still in the hole?”

“Yeah. Goddamn thing is rigged. Who the hell plays solitaire Vegas-style anyway?” the colonel grumbled, abruptly ending the game. With a disgusted flick of his wrist, he launched the mouse away and spun around in the chair to face them. He rubbed his palms together briskly. “So, what now?”

“I was just going home; wanted to tell you guys to have a good night,” Sam reiterated, flapping her thumb back the direction she’d arrived.

“What? The night is young, Carter. We should do something.”

“Such as?” Daniel asked, raising his eyebrows and nervously fidgeting with his glasses.

“Oh, I don’t know. So much time…” The colonel drifted, looking suddenly lost. “Too much time.”

“Actually, I think I’m all set for the evening,” Sam hesitantly said again, taking a step backwards. She clutched the grocery bag to her chest as if it were her security blanket. Time to skedaddle. “I’m just going to go.”

The colonel sat up straighter. Sam swore she saw his ears perk up and his tail start wagging. If he had a tail. She knew she was in trouble, confirming it when she caught Daniel and Teal’c exchanging knowing glances at each other. Shit. Now she couldn’t get out of there and consume copious amounts of high caloric food, not if they thought she was pathetic enough to do just that.

“So Carter, what’s in the bag?” her CO curiously asked. She saw right through his little tactic. No way was she going to tell him anything. The minute her mouth opened, she’d spill her guts. No. Way. “Something nuclear?”

“It’s nothing. Just something Janet brought in for me.”

“Girl stuff?”

“No! God, sir, I can’t believe you just asked that.”

The colonel shrugged and tried to look uninterested. She turned to make her escape, halting when she saw Daniel’s eyes honing in on the bag with recognition. Teal’c uncrossed his arms and stepped in front of her, effectively blocking her path.

“You are not incorrect, O’Neill. However, I do not believe it is to what you so tactfully alluded,” he said, giving the colonel the raised eyebrow special.

“Isn’t that a Sam’s Club bag?” Daniel innocently asked, moving next to Teal’c. Now she was completely surrounded.

“Fine. Yes, it is a Sam’s Club bag. Janet has a membership and I didn’t have time to go with her as her guest, so she bought something for me,” she admitted, daggering each of them with her eyes. “It’s nothing nuclear, * _sir_ *. Not planning on building a Stargate.”

She held back a smile of satisfaction when her CO had the decency to look abashed. He ran a hand through his hair, ducking his head slightly. “Jeez, Carter. You know I didn’t mean… So, what’s in the bag?”

Well, that wasn’t the best apology she’d ever received, but it certainly wasn’t the worst. Sam relaxed a little, gracing them with a small smile. Leaning against the desk, she clumsily deposited her precious cargo onto its surface and looked at her three teammates in turn. 

“Guess.”

“Parts for your motorcycle?”

“Knitting paraphernalia?”

“You are both incorrect. It is chocolate, is it not, Major Carter?”

She gaped at Teal’c. Five years of knowing the guy and he still surprised the heck out of her sometimes. She knew his senses were acute, but wow! It was wrapped in its own bag, plus the heavy brown paper bag. Amazing. Sam tried not to think of the countless other things he could likely smell.

“Give the Jaffa a prize,” she dryly commented, resisting the urge to add a game-show style ‘ding-ding-ding’.

“Isn’t Sam’s Club that place where you can buy stuff in bulk for supposedly reduced cost?” the colonel wondered.

“Yes. And I only use it for necessities.”

Daniel’s curiosity apparently got the better of him. He aimed for the bag, opening it and sticking his face into the opening. His voice echoed as he exclaimed, “Whoa, that’s a lot of chocolate! You really consider that a necessity?”

“Sometimes,” Sam meekly admitted, embarrassed again. She spotted an empty chair and lunged for it, plopping down with a sigh. “And now is one of those sometimes.”

Daniel lifted the contents of the bag for all to see. The colonel let out a long whistle of astonishment, while Teal’c simply nodded. With a slap, the archaeologist let it fall onto the desktop and then he started rooting around. Moments later, he triumphantly raised his right arm in the air, scissors in hand.

“Holy crap. A five-pound bag of M & Ms? I didn’t even know they came that big. Daniel, what’re you doing? Aren’t you even going to ask first?”

“Oh, sorry Sam. What’s wrong?”

She blinked. That wasn’t the question she had been expecting. Oh, yeah, she was in trouble. Daniel was giving her puppy dog eyes. Damnit, so were the colonel * _and_ * Teal’c. It was spill or be spilled. She took a deep breath.

“I don’t know. I think it all started about a year, maybe a year and a half ago,” she began, skeptically darting her eyes to each of them. Surely if none of them had already picked up on it, there really wasn’t an issue. “Are you sure you want to hear this?”

“Of course we do, Carter. As long as we can help with your overabundance of M & Ms. Everyone likes M & Ms.”

She rolled her eyes. “Be my guests. Okay, so about a year and a half ago, I started feeling especially vital to the SGC. Not that I wasn’t before…but this was different. It was like I was suddenly granted a more active role. Become more visible, if that makes sense. Strangely enough, it was like everything I touched was golden, every theory perfect. And it doesn’t look to be slowing down.”

“I believe the timeframe coincides with Daniel Jackson’s appendectomy,” Teal’c acknowledged. Apparently he * _had_ * noticed something.

“Actually, now you mention it, yeah. At first I was excited to be afforded such great new opportunities, but the glamour has worn off. I think there was a hidden fee for suddenly being ablt to do no wrong,” Sam continued, squirming in her seat. Daniel withdrew from their circle, moving to a chair in the corner of his office. She threw a frown in his direction, uncertain what had made him retreat. “Tell me I’m not crazy here. Since I’ve been figuratively brought more into the fold, some pretty bad things have happened to me…on a personal level. I mean first there was Martouf’s death. God, I still miss him. More recently – Orlin. And Narim. And Ambassador Faxon. Then there’s always you, Colonel. I’m beginning to think I’m cursed.”

“Huh? Me?” the colonel confusedly asked, flourishing his arms in the air. She narrowed her eyes at him. 

“Sam, you know that’s not true,” Daniel assured though a mouthful of M & Ms. He moved to grab another handful before retreating to his chair. 

She followed suit, snagging a bunch of candy for herself. “Not true? Well, I’m free on Saturday night. Got plans?”

“I, er, um, I think that’s the night I have to wash my hair,” the archaeologist stuttered, shoving his mouth full and chewing furiously. He averted his eyes.

“Right. How about you, Teal’c?”

“Not when my life depends on it.”

“That’s if, Teal’c. * _If_ *,” the colonel corrected between his M & M munching.

“I did indeed mean when, O’Neill,” Teal’c corrected back, walking toward the door. He leaned on the frame and surreptitiously popped some chocolate into his mouth. It occurred to Sam that he looked as though he was holding up the wall. Looked damn fine doing it, she had to admit.

“I guess that leaves you, Colonel.” She raised her eyebrows at the last man standing. Sam already knew the outcome of that particular suggestion.

Choking, her CO’s eyes bulged wide. He spluttered, “Okay, first – CO. Second – been there, done that, remember. I saw what happened to good ol’ Marty and that was enough for me. Plus regulations.”

“Okay we see your point, Sam. But that’s just not logical. You don’t actually think it was being associated with you that led to all of their deaths? To be perfectly honest, I’d say you dodged a bullet with Jack.” Daniel rose again, heading for the M & Ms. He stayed at his desk, propping himself up on his elbows.

“Damn strai… Hey!”

“It’s not like we’re able to fit any type of ‘normal’ social life into our work. All of those guys were extreme cases any other person would never have to deal with. Besides, you’re certainly not the only one spending quality alone time.”

“Daniel!” the colonel roared before convulsively consuming another mound of chocolate.

“Sorry, couldn’t resist that, Jack. You know it’s true. Sam, I know this isn’t the same thing – it’s actually quite the opposite,” Daniel softly said, nervously rolling a green M & M between his thumb and forefinger. “Lately, I can’t seem to find anything to do. I don’t know how to explain it without sounding like I’m complaining. It’s like management suddenly decided I’m no longer useful here. Or like they’re not sure what to do with me.”

“God, Daniel. I had no idea you felt like that,” Sam gasped. “Of course you’re important. We couldn’t be a team without you.”

“What she said. Have you discussed your little paranoia with General Hammond?” her CO interjected.

Daniel nodded, scowling at the colonel. “He said he’s seen the problem, but it’s not coming from him. He muttered something about the powers that be and their not-so-trendy obsession with conspiracies and walked away. Not very heartening.”

“Surely you are misinterpreting something, Daniel Jackson. Is it not our job to explore the universe and find a means to defeat the Goa’uld?”

“That’s what my memos say. Danny, do you have any solid proof to lead you to this conclusion?”

Sam narrowed her eyes at the apparent unfeeling quality in the colonel’s tone. What was that all about? Solid proof? Daniel shouldn’t have to back up his feelings. If she thought about it, she could easily see where the archaeologist might think he were being phased out.

“Solid? No. It’s more of a feeling. Haven’t you noticed our off-world missions have been steadily decreasing? And usually when we do go on a mission, archaeology isn’t exactly top billing. Not that I totally mind tagging along…but that’s all I feel like I’m doing. You guys don’t need me.”

“Don’t be silly. Of course we need you,” Sam protested, a little panicked to hear her friend even intimating such a thing. “Once this Simmons thing blows over, I’m sure the general will start giving us more off-world missions, ones that include the need for a cultural expert such as yourself.”

“Thanks, Sam. I just don’t see it.” Daniel sounded so miserable, she wanted to give him a huge hug. If she thought it would make him feel better, she’d have done it. That and if the colonel wasn’t there to harass them.

“Defeat the Goa’uld,” the colonel abruptly blurted.

“Sir?”

“Teal’c just reminded me of our primary goal and I’ve been doing a mental tally.”

Sam felt her eyebrows quirk of their own volition at that remark. Her CO looked peeved, glaring at her. She hastily forced the unruly brows down.

“It happens! I’m not as stupid as I act, you know!”

“The tally, O’Neill?” Teal’c prompted.

“Yeah. We’ve done pretty damn well, I’d say. Let’s see. Hathor, Seth, Sohkar, Heru’ur, Apophis and Marduk have all bitten the dust. Granted that Duck guy didn’t even get much of a chance to spread his evil mayhem. That could account for all the down time,” the colonel pondered, now smugly chewing on his M & Ms.

“You neglected to mention Cronus, O’Neill.”

“Right. Vendetta Boy. He went buh-bye as well, I forgot! Hey, at least you’ve still got Tanith to think ill of and want to crush, eh, Teal’c? Something to keep you grounded here with us. We can always entice you to stick around to look big, stoic and intimidating.”

“Jack, have you been taking classes on insensitivity?” Daniel snapped. 

Sam couldn’t agree more. She had no idea why the colonel was being so caustic. First the tacky remark about Martouf, then essentially calling Daniel a flake, and now this. Admittedly, Teal’c had been willing to leave the SGC when Shau’nac had come calling…but that was only because he thought he could be more useful in fighting the Goa’uld elsewhere. He’d never leave now; he was a valuable resource and friend.

“What do you mean?” 

“Sir, he means – why do you suddenly not seem to care much about anything?”

Her CO sighed, then slouched down slightly. His hand fumbled for more candy as the same time as she reached for the bag. An accidental meeting of skin had both of them jerking away. Sam felt her face redden. Was the awkwardness – the feeling they’d crossed lines never meant to be crossed – ever going to go away?

“All right. But you can’t say anything. Hammond’s been getting heat from the higher-ups about how I coddle my team. So I figured I’d better at least give the appearance that I don’t care so much. Okay?” the colonel submitted easily, weariness making his entire countenance change.

“What difference does it make how you feel about us?” Daniel baldly inquired, wrapping his arms across his chest.

“It doesn’t make a difference. You know that and I know that, but some people think we’re less effective because we’re too close.”

“Did it not occur to you, O’Neill, that frequently spending time at social events with us might undermine your plan?” Teal’c asked. “It was most fortunate we did not come across any personnel from the SGC at the Jell–”

“Oh!” Daniel called out.

“What?” Sam asked and went to his side.

“I got the last blue one,” the archaeologist lamely stated. She wondered why he was so excited about that. 

Sam thought talking through problems was supposed to make a person feel better. God knew *chocolate* normally was manna from the heavens and worked miracles. Instead, all she was getting was more upset. It really did seem the SGC was undergoing some major, unfavorable changes. She doubted they were orchestrated by some secret powers that be, choosing rather to believe the change was an inevitable fact of their unusual lives. In either case, she wasn’t sure she really liked it. Change had always bothered her, disrupting the safety of routine. The future now seemed scarily uncertain and now her scope had been broadened to include the rest of the team. What would they do if politics and intrigue got in the way of their exploration? Or they actually managed to kill all of the big Goa’uld and protected Earth once and for all? Her stomach turned.

“Bully for you, Daniel.”

“However, I did find it odd that we encountered the alien known as Martin there,” Teal’c said, apparently still focused on his story. Sam wondered where ‘there’ was.

“Martin was there?” Daniel asked. “I didn’t see him.”

“Neither did I. Glad of that, though. Annoying guy. I hope we never run into him again.” The colonel shuddered. “Two times was bad enough. It’s like he embodies some bad writer’s misguided belief that everyone loves an idiot. A walking, badly drawn cartoon character.”

“That’s a little harsh, Jack.”

“Oh? How would you guys describe him? And don’t lie and say you liked him.”

An uncomfortable, heavy silence filled the office for a long minute, broken at last by a loud chirping noise. Sam wrinkled her nose at Daniel. A cricket? That was eerily cliché-like.

“So.”

“So.”

“So.”

“So?” Sam asked. She fingered the edge of the M& Ms bag, surprised to find it almost empty. Her stomach twisted again, making her think the candy just as much with her being upset as anything. “You guys want to finish these?”

“We made quite a dent, didn’t we?” the colonel groaned, clutching his stomach with one hand.

“I have never before consumed so much chocolate in one sitting,” Teal’c intoned. Sam glanced over to him, shocked to see he was a little pale. “I do not believe I shall ever do so again.”

“I second that. Why didn’t you guys stop me?” Daniel moaned, looking green around the gills.

“How could we stop you when we couldn’t stop ourselves?” she replied. She was going to be so, so sick.

None of them moved, reduced to a mild state of sugar shock. Sam studied her friends, then looked accusingly at the bag of tricks known as M & Ms. When first opened, it promised hours and hours of pleasure and enjoyment. Little did a person suspect the ‘melt in your mouth, not in your hands’ candies were truly an insidious disease. In an almost human manner, they enticingly coaxed their way into the stomach, small size deceiving a person into thinking their joy was limitless. Before a person realized it, they would be so deep in chocolate there was no way out. The harmless pieces of candy joined forces to create one MASSIVE, sickening lump. The pleasure became pain, unleashing the true power of the M & M – pure, unadulterated misery. Something so sweet and good couldn’t overcome the bellyache that was sure to follow after too much consumption. There was no way to win.

“I’m going to puke.”

Sam didn’t know who said it. It could’ve been her. Puking might be a quick fix, and a good one at that. But she now knew the secrets and lies innocuously housed in the colorful, candy-coated chocolate pieces and she would not fall prey again. She scrunched the bag and its remaining contents in one fist, stood and dropped it into the garbage can.

It would be a cold day in hell before she’d buy into another bag of M & Ms.

**The End**

  


* * *

  


> I think I swallowed a jumbo bitter pill last night, which resulted in  
>  this little fic. Chances are that tomorrow I’ll be back to my fun-loving self.  
>  I’ll try to be, anyway. Do NOT read this if you have no problem with the  
>  current and likely continual state of Stargate.

* * *

> January 6, 2002 Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. Not to be archived without permission of the author.

* * *

  



End file.
